NVC (Nonviolent Communication) in Real Life

This post is a response to an article written by Estrella Brighid. She shared her recent struggle with conforming to the classic NVC format of Observations, Feelings, Needs and Requests (OFNR). Attending an NVC retreat in California, she experimented with letting go of rigid perfectionism, letting her consciousness shine through her choice of words. Despite initial fears of people judging her, or getting lost in her own judgments, it turned out she was relieved and delighted. She managed to find satisfying connections with other NVC practitioners while speaking naturally.

My response:

Bravo, Estrella! It was rigidly demanding OFNR perfectionists who stimulated a deep fear in me (that I’d never be able to master this language) which tempted me to ditch NVC just weeks after I first got interested in it. I came from a background of hatha yoga, which is largely about flexibility. I’m glad I stuck with the NVC practice as so much learning has come from it. I do understand why some trainers persist in teaching OFNR, because it is like playing scales on the piano. If you master the basics first, then you can improvise more effectively. But if NVC newbies hear the repeated requests to learn OFNR as demands…then it can be a huge turn-off.

There seems to be a lot of confusion around use of the word “model.” Certified NVC trainers keep using this word, “model,” to describe NVC and OFNR, yet Marshall himself has clearly indicated that he sees it as a “process” and not a model. Model implies an image of perfection which is fully set, with a sense of right form and wrong form; Process implies a flowing, organic unfolding and evolution of language based in changes in people and their consciousness, with no right or wrong. As Sija wrote in her very truthful comment, there is a huge temptation to use OFNR to get what we want from others, if we forget to weigh their needs as equal to our own. This is especially true when we are new to the practice of NVC. I was so happy to read of your recent retreat experience…it speaks to what is going on in my local practice group, and perhaps with many other groups around the world. Met needs for encouragement and support for the use of natural language, while still retaining NVC consciousness between the lines. Thank you!

For details on services offered by Steve Pollack, consider visiting www.mediation-usa.net

(Note: NVC is an abbreviation for Nonviolent Communication, a fluid, ever-evolving language process created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. It is also sometimes referred to as Compassionate Communication, and is based on universal human feelings and needs, the giving of empathy and making humble requests rather than demands. For information on services offered by Steve Pollack, please visit www.mediation-usa.net)

NVC innovators like Robert Gonzales and Susan Skye have pioneered a new way of viewing the unmet needs that tend to be surrounded by so much pain. They suggest that if we focus our attention inwardly to the needs themselves, then it is not so much about having our needs met, but more about having a “meeting with our needs.”

To commune with the living energy of the needs themselves, is to see the beauty in our basic human nature. Those universal needs, met or unmet, are part of what makes us human, part of what connects us to all humanity. Those needs can never be taken away from us, even when they are temporarily and painfully unfulfilled.

If we take this a step further to actually meditate deeply on the beauty of the needs within us, even when they are painfully unfulfilled in the outer world…we then become more vibrationally attuned to those needs. In that state, we are more likely to attract the people, places, things, situations, etc., where those needs can more easily and naturally be fulfilled.

For information on services offered by Steve Pollack, please visit www.mediation-usa.net

Visiting the Miami area? You can attend Steve’s NVC Support Group by leaving your rsvp here: www.nvccoachmiami.com

(Note: NVC is an abbreviation for Nonviolent Communication, a fluid, ever-evolving language process created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. It is also sometimes referred to as Compassionate Communication, and is based on universal human feelings and needs, the giving of empathy and making humble requests rather than demands. For information on services offered by Steve Pollack, please visit www.mediation-usa.net)

In a sense, NVC could be compared to martial arts as a kind of verbal equivalent to Aikido. Aikido’s goal is the Way of unifying with life energy, or the Way of harmonious spirit. It enables one to defend himself while also compassionately protecting one’s attacker from injury. Aikido is performed by blending with the motion of the attacker and redirecting the physical force of the attack rather than opposing it head-on.

NVC achieves that blending, but not with the physical force of the attacker. Instead, NVC blends with the emotional and verbal momentum of the attacker by doing reflective listening, by receiving his emotional energy in an empathic way. This immediately shifts a victim’s perspective and attitude to one of compassion, and away from fear, anger and retaliation.

This shift is so potent that even while under threat of attack, the simple consciousness of compassion sometimes transports one’s attention to a profoundly empowering sense of universal compassion. That in itself is quite calming to an enraged attacker, and to the victim as well.

An angry verbal attack is usually full of judgments, demands and threats which may lead to physical violence. It’s reasonable to assume that the typical attacker has a number of painful feelings. He may be feeling exasperation, disgust, fear and rage. He may have these feelings as a direct result of unmet needs for respect, fairness, consideration, freedom, and connection with his family/community/society. He may even have unmet needs for food, shelter, medicine, or hope for a better life if he’s been struggling financially.

If the victim of his attack responds by feeling frightened, horrified, terrified or angry…those emotions may only feed the attacker’s rage, thereby fanning the fires, making violence more likely.

On the other hand, if the victim of the attack responds by shifting away from fear and into a consciousness of compassion…the attacker will energetically feel that shift. It can be made in a split second, and once it’s made, the energy of compassion will not feed the attacker’s rage or other painful emotions.

On the contrary, by helping to name what the attacker is feeling and needing, the victim will also help to calm and soothe the stimulated core of the attacker’s brain. This actually soothes the amygdala, which is the fight-or-flight portion of the brain.

If the victim responds with fear or anger, that will tend to further stimulate the basic-survival portion of the attacker’s brain. All knowledge and wisdom contained in the attacker’s cerebral cortex will be temporarily inaccessible or shut down. Anger “turns out the light of the mind” as it takes the entire cerebral cortex offline.

Responding to violent threats with NVC compassion and empathy is sometimes the most effective way to help a deeply distressed, angry attacker to gain perspective and to feel compassion for his victim. Studies of the brain have shown that naming his feelings and needs for him helps to calm the amygdala and bring his cerebral cortex back online.

As the attacker calms down, the victim may go further to make a request in simple, positive action language. If the request is made with respect, with fairness, with consideration and compassion for everyone concerned…then it may actually be helping to meet the attacker’s unmet needs for respect, fairness, consideration and compassion. The lack of these is what possibly triggered the attack in the first place.

For information on services offered by Steve Pollack, please visit www.mediation-usa.net

Visiting the Miami area? You can attend Steve’s NVC Support Group by leaving your rsvp here: www.nvccoachmiami.com

(Note: NVC is an abbreviation for Nonviolent Communication, a fluid, ever-evolving language process created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. It is also sometimes referred to as Compassionate Communication, and is based on universal human feelings and needs, the giving of empathy and making humble requests rather than demands.)

As covered in an earlier post, jackals are those harshly judgmental voices in our minds that judge and criticize people, places, things, ideas, comments, even innocent toddlers and pets. Yes, these jackals are also fully capable of judging and criticizing our own selves! Unfortunately, many of us let our angry inner jackals go unaddressed for years, or worse yet, for decades. When we do, those critical, judgmental, angry inner voices can move us to patterns of behavior which have little chance of meeting our deeper needs. The jackals can become instantly vicious without a lot of provocation.

It’s not just “crazy” people who hear voices in their heads; we all hear their precursors as repetitive thoughts. Let them repeat long enough without addressing them, and their volume level and intensity will increase to the point where they are harder to ignore, where they may even take control of the person.

Many simply have no idea how to address their jackals with compassion and understanding, nor do they know how to give themselves some emergency self-empathy, nor how to ask for deep, pure empathy from others.

If they are unfortunate enough to have been raised in a violent environment filled with violent words and/or deeds by parents or other authority figures…their jackals may become so virulent and furious that they seem to take over the personality entirely. In the extreme, they may suffer painful hallucinations and find themselves talking out loud to them in ways that make no sense to others.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, to name only one person, has been able to connect with people in such deep pain by giving many layers of empathy. We’re not talking about a 50-minute session or two. When someone is deep in the emotional desert where their heart and mind is shriveled from a profound thirst for compassion and empathy…they may need days or weeks in the presence of someone who can give layer upon layer of pure empathy. A good long soaking in that well of empathy will eventually begin to revive the personality so it can come back to life.

This is the power of empathy. While it may seem miraculous, it is really just a natural phenomenon. It’s just that there are very few who have the capacity or willingness to give pure, deep empathy for so many days or weeks.

Just as we find it easier and more convenient to label and judge people as “crazy,” we also find it easier to put them on heavy medications. We sometimes even have them committed to institutions, where they are far less likely to receive the quality of empathy that they are so desperately needing.

This is a great tragedy and loss of our modern age. I hope that someday our civilization will embrace NVC processes in our schools and colleges, families and communities. When everyone knows how to enjoy the deeply healing, spiritual process of giving pure empathy to their children and parents, friends and neighbors, bosses and coworkers…we may not ever build another mental institution. There simply would not be a need.

For information on services offered by Steve Pollack, please visit www.mediation-usa.net

Visiting the Miami area? You can attend Steve’s NVC Support Group by leaving your rsvp here: www.nvccoachmiami.com

(Note: NVC is an abbreviation for Nonviolent Communication, a fluid, ever-evolving language process created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. It is also sometimes referred to as Compassionate Communication, and is based on universal human feelings and needs, the giving of empathy and making humble requests rather than demands. For information on services offered by Steve Pollack, please visit www.mediation-usa.net)

Crazy, like the word “sick,” has been co-opted and adapted by younger generations to mean all sorts of things. It can mean “fantastic” or “amazing.” But the older, traditional sense of the word carries a strong note of judgment, similar to words like twisted, deranged or damaged. The implied judgment is that a crazy person has suffered emotional or psychological damage for years and may be beyond help. The common belief is that it’s impossible for us to connect with a “crazy” person in a meaningful way.

A quick litmus test to see if there is some implied judgment inherent in a word is very easy: just imagine someone using that word to describe you.

For instance, if someone tells you you’re crazy, twisted, deranged or damaged, do you feel irritated or hurt? If so, there is probably some judgment in that word.

It is very tempting to just pass people or situations off as crazy. Remember, in NVC there is no right or wrong, so it’s not wrong to use judgmental words; it is just less likely to help you and others to connect and effectively meet mutual needs.

We use words like crazy because we’ve been conditioned and programmed for decades, since childhood, to write people off in this way. Once we judge them in this cursory way, we’ve explained their behavior which we don’t understand. It’s a convenient way to avoid trying to understand a person’s feelings, unmet needs, and chosen actions or strategies.

It gives a sense of relief, I suppose, for the moment. It is quick and easy, an automatic knee-jerk response to express some of the confusion and frustration we may be feeling.

For those who are longing for their own spiritual consciousness to grow and evolve, it may be helpful to ask what kind of energy are we creating or putting out there when we judge people or situations as crazy?

We call people crazy when our need for information and understanding of those people are not being met. But we don’t have to stay confused, annoyed, frustrated or disgusted…and we certainly have alternative choices other than to judge.

An NVC approach to this can help us move beyond those painful feelings. Each time you call someone or something crazy, see what you are feeling and needing. If the unmet need is for understanding, see if there are ways you can ask questions to get more information that empowers you to understand others in a more compassionate way. Even if you just do some creative brainstorming about what may have happened to the “crazy” person, what pain they’ve been through, what unfulfilled needs they may have…this can all bring us to a more compassionate consciousness.

We can break the flippant habit of judging others as crazy or insane by looking at the feelings and needs of everyone concerned in any given situation.

For information on services offered by Steve Pollack, please visit www.mediation-usa.net

Visiting the Miami area? You can attend Steve’s NVC Support Group by leaving your rsvp here: www.nvccoachmiami.com

(Note: NVC is an abbreviation for Nonviolent Communication, a fluid, ever-evolving language process created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. It is also sometimes referred to as Compassionate Communication, and is based on universal human feelings and needs, the giving of empathy and making humble requests rather than demands.)

In past articles, I’ve referred to “hitting a nerve” as an experience where we believe we are being triggered by something someone says or does, or doesn’t say or do. When we take someone’s comment or action personally (or take their silence or inaction personally), in a sense we are really triggering our own pain/judgment/anger response. Instead of someone else pushing our hot buttons, ultimately, we are the ones pushing those buttons, even if we learned unconsciously to do that in childhood by observing similar behaviors as we were growing up, from parents, siblings, teachers, etc.

Nonetheless, it does appear to our egoic mind as if the other person has hit a nerve in our psyche or emotional body. We feel intense pain from unmet needs for kindness, respect, consideration, care, fairness, or any number of other universal human needs. In a flash, we create a story that this person is wrong and he should have known how to meet our needs. In judging him as wrong, we give ourselves license to indulge in a self-righteous rage, making the other person entirely responsible for our pain. While rage can give a sort of “high” and a false sense of empowerment, it can also be quite stressful and toxic to our emotional well-being. Rage deadens our deeper feelings of hurt by pulling all our attention away from the hurt and focusing angry energy on someone else. As one of my teachers has said, “Anger most hurts the sender.”

This has happened so much within our egoic minds–we have practiced this sequence of pain/judgment/anger so many times–that the neuronal pathways in the brain are well paved, like a six-lane interstate expressway. This sequence can now happen automatically, instantaneously and unconsciously. In our anger or rage, we hurl judgmental thoughts, words or acts toward the one we’ve judged as wrong for hurting us. When angry, we may also hurl some harsh judgments at ourselves too.

This response is very much like what happens in our physical body when some body part is injured seriously, when nerves are in fact “hit” or inflamed. The nerves send intense, fiery signals to the brain constantly. The nerves almost seem to be punishing us for wrongly or carelessly letting this damage occur to our physical body. They demand that we take care of the bleeding or pain immediately. Severe physical injuries cause the nerves to scream in pain to our brain, demanding care and attention.

Did you ever say or do something well-meaning that somehow hit a nerve and triggered a furious response from someone who yelled or screamed jackal words at you, demanding your immediate apology or some other course of action?

If this happens, it is possible to remember the analogy of the physical nerves in the body. The angry person is responding like a nerve in the body that has been irritated and inflamed. In a quantum physics view of the world, everyone and everything is connected energetically or spiritually–you’re connected to them, and they to you. So the angry “stranger” yelling at you is, in a sense, like your finger or toe which has been stubbed. Or if it’s someone much closer to you, the angry person could be compared to your own physical head or your heart. It’s almost as if they think you are connected somehow to them…and they are correct in a metaphysical way.

Though we may tend to cower in fear or defend ourselves, it is possible to take it more compassionately. One could conceivably adopt the high road here and take it as a great compliment that the angry person is trying to connect with you, even if in a harsh way.

When we judge others as wrong and hurl furious “jackal” words and actions toward them…we are behaving in a very raw and primal way, much like an aggravated nerve in our body. We react blindly to our pain, blaming someone else and demanding that they take the blame or responsibility for it. We act as if they were a part of our emotional or physical body…that they must treat our wound, undo it or fix it, immediately.

When someone yells or screams at you in anger or fear, and you retaliate by yelling back, the pain is being compounded exponentially, and the wounds are being deepened. The painful memories are being burnt more deeply into everyone’s memory cells. Fighting back in anger or fear could be compared to treating a new wound on your body with more violence, making it worse. Actually, a new wound needs some gentle, caring attention. The same holds true for emotional wounds we feel during conflicts.

We’re less likely to get what we want from others if we scream bloody murder at them. We can, however, learn how to give ourselves emergency self-empathy as a sort of “emotional triage” or first aid. We can learn how to ask for empathy and compassion from the person we felt angry with. Even a nonviolent scream, as described by Marshall Rosenberg, has no judgment or demand in it. It is just a pure cry of pain, which may inspire compassion from those who hear it, no matter how loud it may be.

We all have old emotional wounds that we may not even be aware of or understand fully, let alone know how to heal. So when someone inadvertently hits one of those raw nerves, it’s usually just that, an accident.

If you’ve ever had sharp pain in a joint (e.g. bursitis or arthritis) you learn quickly to protect that joint until it heals. But if you accidentally move the joint in a way that brings a deep, sharp pain, would you hit the sore joint angrily with a hammer? You’re already sizzling in pain, so it would be more compassionate to let yourself feel the depth of that pain as a serious reminder that the wound is not healed yet and desperately needs your care and protection. Moving that inflamed joint too far too soon would do more harm than good.

Likewise, when someone says or does something and you take it in a way that triggers pain, that wound, whether old or new, is needing some empathetic care and protection. It sorely needs your sustained loving attention, as does the person who triggered it.

(Note: NVC is an abbreviation for Nonviolent Communication, a fluid, ever-evolving language process created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. It is also sometimes referred to as Compassionate Communication, and is based on universal human feelings and needs, the giving of empathy and making humble requests rather than demands.)

As I started on this journey of sharing the learning of NVC, I occasionally ran into a really tough customer. The kind who’d insist to me: “NVC doesn’t work! It will NEVER work!!” In fact, I once had someone blurt this out in the middle of an NVC workshop!

I used to feel flabbergasted and frustrated on hearing this, because I needed a bit of faith in my abilities to share an understanding of the NVC process, and I needed some ease and support in my teaching work. I also felt befuddled, wondering why on earth anyone would come to NVC workshops if they believed with such conviction that it will never work?

Sometimes I responded with a sort of 12-step attitude adjustment, saying “It works if you work it.” I’d remind them the great power of NVC is in the attitude shift that it helps us to make, to see the “enemy” or “opponent” as actually a friend and ally. Also, to see our own angry jackals as friends helping us become aware of our unmet needs.

Other times I responded saying it’s really a matter of faith. If one reads Marshall Rosenberg’s book, “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life,” it would be very hard to say it just won’t work. It sure worked for him in some remarkable instances of tremendous anger and even violent opposition.

Even if one has faith in the NVC process or the pure language of compassion, does one have full faith in himself? In his own ability to work it.

Finally, I chose to just agree outright with anyone who claims it will not work. I say, “I agree with you, NVC will not work.” Period. Because when we think of it as a “language model” or a “technique” that we are “using” just to get our way over someone else’s way…it will never work.

Because it is not a “model” at all; Rosenberg himself clearlys sees it as a process which is organic and fluid. It is not a technique, because that would imply we are trying to manipulate others to give us our way, and we don’t care equally about their needs.

It is, however, an organic process of connecting empathically within ourselves and with others to come to a mutual understanding of our human feelings and universal human needs. In tense or angry situations, that does require that we remember our spiritual consciousness deeply, so that we can hear someone’s jackal words hurled at us, and not take them personally. And if we do take it personally and feel deeply hurt and extremely angry, even for a moment, we can give self-empathy or issue a “nonviolent scream” and remove ourselves from the situation until we are able to reconnect with our deeper compassionate nature and try again.

Please feel free to quote me on that: NVC won’t work. It’s not designed to. If we, on the other hand, read between the lines of the so-called “language models” and “techniques,” we will know that it’s really about getting into a purely compassionate or spiritual place in the heart. Once there, we are not trying to work a technique or get a certain response…we can then be fully in the now moment, we can be a compassionate, empathetic presence to whatever or whomever appears before us. And we are much more likely to connect with them in that state.

(Note: NVC is an abbreviation for Nonviolent Communication, a fluid, ever-evolving language process created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. It is also sometimes referred to as Compassionate Communication, and is based on universal human feelings and needs, the giving of empathy and making humble requests rather than demands.)

I’d like to stretch the analogy one more time between dog training… and dealing with furious, vicious jackals. Remember that in NVC terminology, a jackal is that voice in our mind which judges others or ourselves harshly and often quite angrily.

In an episode of Cesar Milan: The Dog Whisperer, Mr. Milan takes it upon himself to approach an extremely vicious dog in the owner’s backyard. He succeeds in connecting with the dog, and gives it the understanding and empathy it needed in order to relax into a calm, submissive state. He did, however, sustain a bite wound to the hand in the process.

It seems to me that a dog only becomes that violent if it has not received enough understanding, empathy and guidance from the pack leader (the owner) for many months or years.

We all have our own hot buttons that trigger vicious jackal attacks in our minds. These buttons didn’t get so explosively hot overnight, just as the internal jackals didn’t get so frustrated after just one incident. It’s probably due to years or even decades of ignoring or “shutting up” our jackals. Some quiet their painful jackal emotions by turning to alcohol or drugs. Others may do it in an organic way, by engaging in strenuous physical workouts, Tai Chi, Qigong, meditation, etc. These practices may be very supportive and healthful ways to regain balance, yet if used to ignore or neglect emotional wounds, they may come with a price down the road.

Eventually, our jackals need to be addressed. Ignore a jackal long enough, and it may get frustrated, desperate and livid. The image of Sigourney Weaver comes to mind as she faced highly aggressive aliens in the movie by the same name. Sigourney’s character had a powerful gun to defend herself. When we face a desperate, vicious jackal, we have no guns. Our only super-weapon is conscious empathy or compassion. You might also call it love or understanding. We can recharge or reload our super-weapon through practices such as meditation, wherein we get in touch with the aliveness of compassion within our heart and soul.

It may be extremely difficult and trying to give loving attention, empathy, compassion or understanding to a screaming, howling jackal that is right in your face. Instead, it seems easier and less scary to give in to our jackals and lash out angrily at the “enemy,” i.e., whoever or whatever seems to be triggering our pain. The jackals tell us that causing pain to the person who is “causing” our pain will force them to understand and to have mercy on us.

This may work temporarily but it will never help the so-called enemy to give us the empathy and compassion we yearn for on a deeper level.

Going back to Cesar Milan, it seems to me he gives tough love to dogs he doesn’t even know. He approaches them with extreme bravery, as a sort of top dog, head of the pack. He lets the vicious dog know by his very presence, by his very consciousness and demeanor that he is in control now, and it’s okay to stop howling, barking and seething. He does not back down from the vicious dog no matter how loud it protests, and may take a bite wound in the process, but he does connect with that dog. The transformation in the dog’s behavior takes only a matter of minutes or even seconds, even though he’s never met the dog before.

We, on the other hand, know our jackals well. They are products of our mind and emotions. Some call them negative thought-forms. They’ve howled at us many times. They may frighten us terribly, they may even disturb or harm us emotionally with their intensely aggressive energy. But if we really listen to their original message, that there is a painfully unmet need we have, then we can begin to find strategies to begin to meet that need.

That is how we can connect with our internal jackals, and actually benefit from their harsh voices. They are only looking after our unmet needs. Like dogs, they are happiest when they serve to help and support us.

(Note: NVC is an abbreviation for Nonviolent Communication, a fluid, ever-evolving language process created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. It is also sometimes referred to as Compassionate Communication, and is based on universal human feelings and needs, the giving of empathy and making humble requests rather than demands.)

I’d like to make an extensive analogy, comparing dogs to our inner jackals, so please bear with me on this…

A wild jackal looks to me kind of like a fox crossed with a small dog. Whenever I think of jackals attacking, I tend to picture angry dogs. I happen to be a dog lover myself, but have you ever noticed how many people who love their dogs, seem to have little or no control when it comes to the dog’s behavior? Their dogs sometimes seem anxious, frustrated or hostile, barking at other dogs and people, and sometimes even biting. The owner shouts the dog’s name in a harsh, stressed tone, hoping this will bring about the desired behavior. All the dog hears is his own name in a strong tone of voice, and for all we know, this may be simply reinforcing his self-identity with the aggressive, unwanted behaviors. Some resort to hitting their dogs, which may stop the behavior for the moment, but often intensifies it in the long term.

According to Cesar Milan of the TV series, The Dog Whisperer, the need dogs have for safety and security is met only when they perceive their owner as being calm, assertive, and in control. When we let dogs run ahead of us on a leash, they think we are putting them in charge of safety and security, thus the barking and aggressive behavior.

Many dog owners who struggle in this way insist that they’ve tried training their dog, but it didn’t work, or the dog was not responsive or smart enough. I wonder if they were persistent and consistent in the training process. Training requires time, patience, and effort. Some lose patience or simply are not willing to dedicate the time.

Internal “jackals,” in NVC, are those harsh, angry, barking or howling voices we hear when we judge or criticize ourselves or others. Some spiritual teachers might call it the ego, the egoic mind, or the reactive mind. We tend to hear those voices when someone says or does something we don’t like, and some of our universal human needs are not fulfilled. We then have angry, hostile thoughts, blaming ourselves or others–or the universe at large–for not meeting our needs and wants.

We can train ourselves–our minds–to become fully aware of the dynamics of our own internal jackals. Through developing our emotional intelligence and insight, we can grow to understand why the jackals howl so loudly. By understanding them, we can harness their intense energy toward a desired end of truthful communication with ourselves and others. If we don’t persist in training ourselves–and this training is a lifelong process–we are more likely to suffer from what I call extreme “jackal attacks.”

A jackal attack can be mild, where we observe someone say or do something we don’t like, and we just hear one or two judgmental thoughts about them. An attack can also be severe, where we fly into an internal rage, and possibly express it by yelling furious words at others. You could resort to self-punishment, by “jackaling” or criticizing yourself for having lost control over such painful emotions. Scientific studies have shown that self-punishment may only weaken our willpower to do better next time. A Topical Currents interview show on National Public Radio explains why self-flagellation weakens the desired behavior. It features Stanford University psychologist Kelly McGonigal:

http://www.wlrn.org/radio/programs/topical-currents/archive/the-willpower-instinct-how-self-control-works/

One of my NVC coworkers, Stephanie King, has shared insights on what happens to trigger a jackal attack. She writes, “Looking for the word that fits that experience of reactivity to what another says or does has intrigued me. Pema Chodron calls it being hooked. Others call it being lost in projection. Cheri Huber settles for pure description, ‘When I hear……., I tell myself……, and feel……..’ It is quite provocative to look for names for that runaway train sensation. Sometimes I tell myself, ‘Oops — I just hopped the train to jackal town.’ Sometimes I say to myself ‘Judgment alert, judgment alert….’ The important moment for me is the moment of recognition that I am in a state of dis-ease and I need to stop what I am doing and attend to it.”

When a dog barks or bays loudly, we may instinctively feel frightened. Same thing may happen when one of our internal jackals begins to howl intensely in pain, so we may try to hush it up or sweep it under the rug. Yet that is the crucial moment to pay close attention. Not the time to judge the jackal, or to slap it down or hush it up. That’s the time to look closely at the painful feeling that arose because your human needs were not being met. If you train yourself to do that, then your jackals are serving their purpose. The more you respond in that emotionally connected way, the more your jackals will trust you, and the less they will think they must howl wildly to get you to protect yourself.

It’s a lot like training a pet dog. For a human being to train his or her own mind to understand the howling of internal jackals is a lot of work and repeated effort. Some insist that they’ve tried to retrain themselves, but it didn’t work. I wonder if they were persistent and consistent in the self-training process. I wonder if they knew all the specific NVC training and reading materials and classes that are available nowadays (see my recent post about this). Training requires time, patience, and effort. Some lose patience or simply are not willing to dedicate the time.

I hope you will find a way to dedicate the time to this work. After all, internal jackals, like pet dogs, can be your best friends.

In my next entry, I’ll talk about vicious jackal attacks that are so overwhelming, we feel too afraid to even deal with them.

(Note: NVC is an abbreviation for Nonviolent Communication, a fluid, ever-evolving language process created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. It is also sometimes referred to as Compassionate Communication, and is based on universal human feelings and needs, the giving of empathy and making humble requests rather than demands.)

There are several ways nowadays to learn and practice Nonviolent Communication, and every year I discover new modalities, materials, teleclasses, webinars, and live in-person gatherings. Since NVC is not a static “model” of communication, but rather an organic “process,” many practitioners and trainers find themselves inspired to create new approaches to this work.

Following is just a partial menu of choices that I’ve become aware of; I believe there may be many others as well.

1) Reading: There are countless resources for those who enjoy learning alone by simply reading the works of Dr. Marshall Rosenberg and other trainers and authors on the subject. You’ll find numerous articles in magazines and other periodicals, blog posts, pamphlets, booklets and books. Reading about the potential NVC has for helping us transform pain of unmet needs into compassionate connection, you may feel inspired, excited, hopeful and determined to practice. You may find that some of your needs for information, learning, understanding and connection will be met.

2) Online Groups and Classes: Take your pick of weekly online practice groups, weekly teleclasses, webinars or email list groups, to say nothing of social media opportunities such as Facebook and Twitter. There is even a Skype NVC Hotline that allows you to log onto Skype at any time of the day or night and find empathy buddies from around the world. You can request an empathy session, or offer to give empathy to someone in need.

3) In-Person Practice/Support Groups: On www.cnvc.org you can search for local meetings that are geared toward practice of NVC with others sharing similar goals. In a live group setting, you’ll be able to learn compassionate communication skills in tandem with others who are supportive of your efforts, and who understand the unique challenges faced by all who take up this work. If the group uses one of the NVC workbooks, you’ll have opportunities to do all sorts of creative exercises that help you to get a feel for how NVC really works. There are even NVC card games you can play in the group or with a friend at home. The NVC Dance Floors are ideally suited for those who enjoy more hands-on kinetic learning (or should I say “feet-on” learning?).

4) Solitary/Introspective Learning: Journaling can deepen your self-understanding and give clarity about your feelings and needs. It can also help to inspire you to keep going with your efforts, and to try different tacks in various situations. Meditation is seen by some as a practice for maintaining emotional hygiene. It can help to cleanse the emotional palate and give you the advantage of spiritual self-knowledge and objectivity.

5) NVC in Real Life: This is the ultimate in NVC practice as it challenges you to keep your “giraffe ears” firmly in place even when under stress or verbal “attack.” While many group practice situations have a built-in safety net, practicing NVC in real life offers no external safety net. The surest safety net is purely internal–to keep your giraffe ears firmly in place, which is sometimes extremely difficult to remember to do. The broadest safety net, in my experience, is to practice meditation before heading out into the world of people and affairs.