NVC (Nonviolent Communication) in Real Life

Emotional Triggers Can Be Resolved

Many of us, as mortal human beings, have hot buttons or “triggers” as they are often called in NVC circles.  Some of our hot buttons have become so hot, I call them red-hot, “nuclear” emotional triggers.  These are the things on observing which you feel so irritated, annoyed, livid or freaked out that you just don’t know how to cope. You have a sudden meltdown or you act out.

There’s a wide range of red-hot emotional triggers that inspire anger and even hatred. Though hate is a strong word that is politically incorrect, some of us absolutely hate rude words or deeds. Some just hate to hear criticism or judgment. Many hate certain kinds of music or movies.

How Emotional Triggers Develop

Ordinary triggers can morph through a sort of attention-mutation into red-hot emotional triggers. Here’s how that happens. Let’s say there’s something you feel annoyed or irritated by. Each time you see or hear it, you continue to focus your attention on the irritation. This happens over and over and over. You try to find an effective strategy to protect yourself from it. You try but fail to transform it into something minor or harmless.

Voila: you now have a red-hot emotional trigger!

A Personal Case Study

Here’s an NVC in Real Life example from my own experience. I’ve enjoyed listening to the Diane Rehm Show on NPR for several years. The slow, wobbly quality of her voice is due to a vocal disorder. Diane’s voice never bothers me.  But the theme song with its very intense, rapid piano arpeggio, just seems to hammer at my brain. Hearing it repeatedly, I’ve felt annoyed and irritated. Focusing my attention on this glaring bit of music repeatedly, the minor irritation grew into a red-hot emotional trigger.

I found myself one day turning down the radio’s volume when Diane’s theme music played.  Other days I would actually turn the radio off until the music was finished. I’d created a red-hot emotional hot button all my own!   I’d never heard of anyone else having the same challenge.

My Own Nuclear Trigger Meltdown

At one point I felt so annoyed that I sent an email to the radio show’s producers. I explained that Diane Rehm has a very gracious, gentle personality. I was confused and deeply annoyed that her theme music is so intense. Heck, it almost sounds “mad” or “manic.” I needed some understanding. Why is her music not in harmony with her personality and show-moderation style? I requested that they consider replacing her theme music with something that reflects who she is.

I wasn’t surprised to receive no response to my email. But this only compounded the annoyance and irritation I felt with the music.

Stubborn Emotional Triggers, Finally Deconstructed

One day, as her theme music suddenly played, I was just too tired to rush across the room to turn down the volume. I relaxed and observed it more calmly. It was clear: throughout the “manic” arpeggios that I felt so irritated by, there was one constant, steady note. I refocused my attention away from the arpeggios and into that one base note.  I felt far less irritation, far less annoyance.  With practice, I got to a point where I could finally “face the music” with a measure of composure. I simply trained myself to focus on that steady, underlying base-note. By doing so, I believe I deconstructed my emotional trigger’s hot button. I chopped it back down to size. I had built and created it myself; I discovered I had the power to deconstruct it. Honestly, I still don’t care for that piece of music, but it has no power to irritate or annoy me so deeply anymore.

An Analogy to Divine Consciousness

Since my background is in mysticism, I can see a clear spiritual analogy here. Those wild piano arpeggios could be compared to the unstable cacophony of the world. The escalating arguments going on in the minds of millions, every moment of every day. The unsettled energy of sharp attitudes and cocksure opinions, rooted in the egoic mind.

On the other hand, the stable, underlying base notes are deep, strong and calming. I compare them to the universal mantra of Nature, Source, Spirit, God or whatever term you prefer. By simply focusing on those stable notes, I feel stable and calm.  It’s similar to meditating and stilling the mind while all around you are caught up in painful dramas of the egoic mind.

Defusing Your Own Emotional Triggers

People in your life may say or do certain things that begin to annoy you just a bit. Over time they just irritate the heck out of you. You focus on the annoyance and irritation repeatedly, for months or years. Just like discovering you’ve put on 5 or 10 unwanted pounds, you don’t realize exactly how it happened.  It may be an unconscious process, but one day, much to your horror, you realize you’ve created some red-hot emotional triggers.

This causes all kinds of hell for you. As Marshall might call it, “a festival of pain.” It also tends to create stress on your relationships.

Your emotional triggers can be deconstructed. Start with a very clear, objective observation of exactly what started to inspire the irritation in the first place. Write a short list of your own personal triggers. Note what you feel and what unmet need is underlying the painful feeling. Try to find a creative way to deconstruct one of your emotional triggers. Refer to my story above as an example. If you succeed, my guess is you’ll feel delighted, relieved, and powerful. I’d love to receive your comments about your difficulties or successes. Please reply in the box provided below.

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Note: NVC is an abbreviation for Nonviolent Communication, a fluid, ever-evolving language process created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. It is also referred to as Compassionate Communication. It’s based on universal human feelings and needs, the giving of empathy and making humble requests rather than demands. For more on services offered by Steve Pollack, please visit www.mediation-usa.net

In the Miami area? You can attend Steve’s NVC Support Group by visiting www.nvccoachmiami.com

(Note: NVC is an abbreviation for Nonviolent Communication, a fluid, ever-evolving language process created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. It is also sometimes referred to as Compassionate Communication, and is based on universal human feelings and needs, the giving of empathy and making humble requests rather than demands. For more on services offered by Steve Pollack, please visit www.mediation-usa.net)

After learning about Nonviolent Communication, I took a close look at this old saying. If you “take something to heart,” especially some angry words intended to slight or harm you, that figure of speech means that you felt really hurt.

One of the most liberating, empowering things I ever learned from the NVC philosophy is that I, that we all in fact, always have a choice as to how we will take things that people say or even do.

If I take an insult personally, to my mind that is more a matter of “taking it to mind” than taking it to heart. It’s my mind that creates the painfully illusory story that I have been harmed. On the other hand, it’s my heart that is capable of seeing the insult as a tragic expression of the angry person’s unmet needs.

Yes, we all sometimes forget that we even have that choice, which shows how at that moment of forgetfulness, we have not quite attained full emotional liberation.  But we all do have the capacity to hear insults and see even intentionally hurtful deeds with our heart, to see them through the eyes of compassion.  Ironically, in that way, by taking everything to heart, that is, by seeing things from the heart, we can protect ourselves from future harm, and may avoid the pitfalls of anger and resentment.

(Note: NVC is an abbreviation for Nonviolent Communication, a fluid, ever-evolving language process created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. It is also sometimes referred to as Compassionate Communication, and is based on universal human feelings and needs, the giving of empathy and making humble requests rather than demands. For more on services offered by Steve Pollack, please visit www.mediation-usa.net)

When people are new to NVC, one of the patterns I’ve observed, especially with people in challenging relationships, is a sort of rejoicing and celebration of having found a communication tool so powerful that it gives them tremendous hope. It appears to be the ultimate way to address and eventually resolve all the ongoing relationship issues.

Then comes a precarious thought: If only I could get my spouse to take this up with me!  That would be ideal, because it is a whole new language and I’m going to need support and encouragement along the way, and so will my spouse.

So, I often see one person in the relationship give an NVC book or DVD to their spouse.  They invite their spouse to the NVC support group as well.

More often than not, all this enthusiasm falls kind of flat on the spouse. They may feel overwhelmed by it, distrustful or anxious. Especially if his or her strong suit is not talking about feelings and needs and all that touchy-feely psychological stuff.  Sometimes they won’t even finish reading the book or watching DVDs. Sometimes they refuse to go to the support group.

A gulf then begins to widen between the two partners. The one left to learn NVC on her own may feel disappointed or lonely, their need for support and encouragement left so unfulfilled.

The enthusiastic one may even lose some steam when she sees how challenging it can be to attain a “black belt” in NVC–to function at that level of consciousness where one speaks in purely nonviolent terms and is able to give deep empathy when needed.  With time, she may be tempted to blame the partner for aborting the NVC ship, and for carrying on the same old hurtful ways of communication as before.

In some scenarios, the partner is willing to read the book, watch the DVDs, or attend the practice group and to be generally supportive of introducing this new language of life.  But then real life may upturn the apple cart with all its twists and turns, ups and downs. When the chips are down, and the enthusiastic one is at the end of their patience, they may lash out with angry, jackal words.  The partner is tempted to point out, in hurt and resentment: “That’s NOT NVC you’re practicing there! You’re a big hypocrite!”

After seeing this play out more times than I care to remember, I began to suggest a strategy to NVC newcomers:  Start out as a closet NVCer.  If they’re willing to take this to the extreme, I suggest they might even choose to hide the books and DVDs.

I’ve found that an ounce of practice is worth tons of theory. Nothing will inspire curiosity in a partner quite like becoming centered in your own fledgling NVC practice. Nothing will attract them more than seeing the transformation NVC inspires in your own empathetic way of responding to stressful jackal outbursts from your spouse.

Before you get to the “black belt” level of NVC practice, you may feel delighted to hear your partner ask if you’ve been doing or learning anything new. Then and only then is he or she starting to open and become receptive to the possibility of joining you in your exploration of this nonjudgmental way of being and communicating. And only at their own pace and level.

Even if they don’t pick up the book or watch videos or attend a practice group, they will at least be exposed to your example as you model the process time after time.

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For more information about Steve Pollack’s services, please visit www.mediation-usa.net

In the Miami area? You can attend Steve’s NVC Support Group by visiting www.nvccoachmiami.com

(Note: NVC is an abbreviation for Nonviolent Communication, a fluid, ever-evolving language process created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. It is also sometimes referred to as Compassionate Communication, and is based on universal human feelings and needs, the giving of empathy and making humble requests rather than demands. For more information on services offered by Steve Pollack, visit www.mediation-usa.net)

As someone who has facilitated weekly classes in spiritual meditation for over two decades, I’ve faced challenges in various venues where I’ve taught. One of the main challenges has been loud, unwanted sounds, or noises, that make it more difficult for people to experience the inner silence and bliss of meditation. We’ve heard all sorts of noises, including children pounding their fists and even their basketballs against the door of our classroom. Hearing them, I’ve felt irritated, frustrated and distracted from my teaching work. I needed some understanding, respect and consideration from the kids out in the hallways.

Participants in my classes were quick to suggest a strategy: Why not put up a sign on the door? So I put one up saying:

“QUIET PLEASE! MEDITATION CLASS IN PROGRESS”

The noises did not abate. My students and I grew increasingly confused and annoyed. I asked for support from the employees at the community center’s front desk, but the employees asking for quiet seems to have been heard by the kids as just another demand. Just as they saw our QUIET PLEASE signs as a demand.

I’ve taught in many other venues, and have found similar noise issues arise. It’s happened even in a very elegant spa setting. I tried all sorts of signs. Big bold ones. Small, discreet ones. We even tried using beautiful, elegant paper with a colorful print background.

Nothing worked the way we’d hoped it would.

Finally, just a few weeks ago, I broke out of the mold of the old QUIET PLEASE! signs. Instead I tried coming from an NVC consciousness, which involves requesting specifically what you do want people to do to help meet your needs for quiet. The new sign reads:

“Meditation Class next-door requests your soft, gentle voices until 7pm. Thank you for your support.”

This sign has been more effective than any others over the years.

Coincidentally, I happened to see an author on Public Television recently talking about his friend the horse farmer. People would pull off the road in their cars and feed all sorts of unhealthful foods to his horses. He tried signs that say “DO NOT FEED THE HORSES,” but the problem continued. He added “PLEASE!” to the signs, but this only seemed to help more people notice the negative/demand signs, and the result was even more unwanted feeding. Finally, he took down the other signs and put one up saying: “We Only Eat Carrots and Apples.” That was the happy ending to the story.

If this blog entry helps you to find a happy ending to a sign story, I’ll be delighted, and would love to hear about it. Please do share any relevant stories here my blog if you wish. Thank you!

For information on services offered by Steve Pollack, please visit www.mediation-usa.net

Visiting the Miami area? You can attend Steve’s NVC Support Group by leaving your rsvp here: www.nvccoachmiami.com

(Note: NVC is an abbreviation for Nonviolent Communication, a fluid, ever-evolving language process created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. It is also sometimes referred to as Compassionate Communication, and is based on universal human feelings and needs, the giving of empathy and making humble requests rather than demands. More on Steve’s professional services at www.mediation-usa.net)

When I heard the story of so many people killed and even more injured, not on a battlefield where one might expect such violence, but in a movie theater, I felt horrified and shocked. I also felt pained and concerned for those who lost loved ones, and for all those who were so deeply terrified and traumatized that they may not be able to enjoy going out to the movies for years.

When I read a list of official statements from various political leaders in the region, I saw certain word choices come up repeatedly. “Senseless crime,” for instance. Others use words like “unimaginable, cruel, evil, unthinkable, horrific.”

Notice how they (and we all) tend to use words that evaluate or describe the very painful situation, often avoiding the use of pure feeling words. Instead of saying “I feel absolutely horrified and frightened when I see a mass shooting in a theater,” we are more likely to see evaluative language stating “It was a horrific crime.” Which of course it was. I’ve no intention to invalidate anyone’s statements; I’m just pointing out that this is evaluative language. “A senseless mass shooting, perpetrated by a sick, twisted mind.”

An example of observational/feeling language may read more or less like this: “When I hear of a man killing and maiming so many human beings, I feel astounded and aghast. I cannot understand why anyone would do such a thing that would trigger decades of untold physical and emotional pain and suffering, heartbreak and shock. The shooter, after he is safely detained, may desperately need some profound psychological help and support, as he is probably a danger to himself and/or others in the state of mind he was in during the shooting.”

Do you see the difference between evaluative language and nonviolent observational language based in feelings and needs? I’m not suggesting one is wrong and the other right, they are just different. Feelings and needs simply make it easier for us to understand and connect with each other emotionally.

As more people begin to understand the differences between the two, perhaps someday it will be more common to hear people respond with feeling language. Instead of evaluating the crime as senseless (which implies that other crimes may make sense and be reasonable) we may then hear people share what’s going on within them.

For instance, “I’m terrified and worried about what may happen next in this unpredictable world we live in. I’m thoroughly confused as to how someone could entertain and actually execute such actions. When I see these events, I feel doubtful about where the human race is heading, and scared of terrorism in all its various forms.”

How could anyone’s emotional and mental health become so afflicted that they would act out so violently, on such a grand scale? Could that man have had many needs for empathetic understanding and compassion that were not met for a very long time? Even from his childhood?

These are the mysteries surrounding this tragedy that may be answered in time. My heartfelt prayers and compassion go out to all the victims, their friends and families. Most of all, I wish and pray that people like the shooter learn to ask for help when they need it, so as to prevent such tragedies whenever possible in the future.

For details on services offered by Steve Pollack, please visit www.mediation-usa.net.

If you’d like to attend his NVC Support Group while in Miami, see RSVP instructions at www.nvccoachmiami.com

(Note: NVC is an abbreviation for Nonviolent Communication, a fluid, ever-evolving language process created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. It is also sometimes referred to as Compassionate Communication, and is based on universal human feelings and needs, the giving of empathy and making humble requests rather than demands. For details on services offered by Steve Pollack, visit www.mediation-usa.net)

Sometimes when we are in pain and in dire need of empathy ourselves, we try to give empathy to the other person involved in the painful situation. It is an admirable effort, for the noble intention is there to give empathy. It sometimes falls flat as we push ourselves to go through the motions half-heartedly, however, and the empathy comes out sounding more like what I call “schlempathy.” It may appear weak, or lacking conviction. It may come more from head than from heart, tending to be cursory or rushed, whereas deep empathy requires plenty of time. Strained empathy is a sign that we may need to give ourselves more emergency self-empathy, or even ask for empathy from others, before trying to give authentic, deep empathy.

If only we had the presence of mind, at moments like these, to say something like: “I know you’re wanting some understanding and empathy from me right now, and I’d so like to give it, but my empathy stores are so low that I’ll need some time and hope to give it to you soon.”

Remember that pure empathy is a fully-focused, compassionate presence, a willingness to listen closely and to care from a place deep in your heart. It is almost meditative, I would say, and thus it is a rare thing in this world. It gives us relief from the pain of our own unmet needs temporarily because it takes all our attention. Empathy is precious because it empowers us to reconnect with others in a healing, harmonious way that leads to a richer understanding and more harmonious relationships. It even helps us to be more compassionate with ourselves.

Remember that in chapter one of Marshall’s book on NVC, it is essential to give entirely from the heart, with no expectation of anything in return. We may hope for something in return, but there is no demand or hard expectation there. Also, it’s crucial to weigh the other person’s needs as equal in importance to our own.

If you’re needing empathy, and someone gives you a bit of instant “schlempathy” instead, would that fulfill your need for caring from the heart? If we are to treat others’ needs as equal to our own, then it is only pure, authentic empathy focused 100% from the heart to the recipient, that will build the connection we long for. Sometimes we may be tempted to offer “schlempathy” in a rush just so we can then ask for authentic empathy from the other person. In doing this, we are not really weighing their needs as equal in importance to our own, and it is less likely they will be able to give us the empathy that we need.

For details on services offered by Steve Pollack, please visit www.mediation-usa.net.

If you’d like to attend his NVC Support Group while in Miami, see RSVP instructions at www.nvccoachmiami.com

I’m proud to say Reverend Lori Cardona invited me to her 15-minute blogtalk radio show wherein she did a brief interview of my NVC work (Nonviolent Communication). I come in at the 8-minute mark, about halfway through the segment. Please enjoy it and share with your social network friends if you like.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/lorijoanna/2012/05/30/the-language-of-peace

For details on services offered by Steve Pollack, consider visiting www.mediation-usa.net