This blog entry addresses the art of the request, which is actually the 4th step in the 4-step NVC process. As you may know, Marshall suggests that we make our requests very, very specific, asking for positive, feasible actions that we would like someone to agree now to do or say (not things we want them to stop doing or saying).
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This may require some very careful forethought as to what it is exactly that we want from someone. We may need to reflect on the pain of our unmet needs, and then focus our attention intently on what we really *do* need deep down, and precisely what actions or words would best meet those needs.
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Without that forethought, we might do steps 1, 2 and 3, but then stumble on step 4, the request. If we jump into a 4-step response to someone when we are feeling impatient or angry, we may get to step 4, the request, and draw a blank, or worse, shout out a judgment of the other person.
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Rather than make a vague, ineffective request… and rather than to make a negative request (please stop doing this, that or the other) … we might simply say, in lieu of step four: “I’m not sure exactly what I want to ask of you, but I’ll get back to you as soon as I know.”
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Suppose we do make a request in perfect NVC form, from a humble, loving place in our heart, and the answer is a resounding “No!” If the tone of voice indicates annoyance, rebelliousness or resentment, it can be a very hard message to hear.
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One thing I’ve found makes it much easier to hear and receive a “No!” as a gift, is to remember all the times when I myself answered someone else’s request with a strong “No!” or a “Hell, no!”
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So, if I may suggest a strategy, just remember how you felt when you’ve said “No!” to someone. Remember the pain of your unmet need for understanding, consideration, communication, etc. Try to realize that the person saying “No!” to you may be feeling much the same way. The same empathy you’d have liked when you said “no,” they may also like and respond to favorably.
http://www.kmutnbalumni.org/vehicles/cars/a-brief-overview-of-buying-a-car-with-bad-credit Thanks for that awesome posting. It saved MUCH time 🙂